One lonely night
by TheHiddenMarauder
Summary: One night Sirius Black sits alone in the kitchen looking back on his past regrets, loses and laughs. One shot, set just before Harry's 5th year, some LE/JP but mostly just Sirius.


**A/N ****_This is my second fic, a one shot about Sirius Black, it was an idea I had a while ago, and finally got around to writing it. _**

I sit in the dark kitchen a glass in my hand wondering how I got here back in this house all alone with only bad memories and Kreacher. I sighed, staring at my drink even firewhiskey, my favourite drink, couldn't make me feel any better. I smiled slightly remembering the first time I had tried firewhiskey. Me and James that been at his house the summer after second year. It was full moon so Remus wasn't there, it had only been three of the Marauders, as usual we were worried about our friend and we could do nothing about it. We were sitting in one of James' many living rooms not even talking too lost in our own thoughts, when I suddenly had one of my frequent crazy ideas. Mr and Mrs Potter were at work doing Merlin knows what, so it was just us boys and the house elves. I had jumped up and run out of the room leaving James and Peter shouting confusedly after me. I had made it my business to know where everything was at James' so I knew exactly where the Potters kept their drinks. I remember how excited I was because someone had forgotten to close the door of the cabinet properly. I had grabbed a large bottle of firewhiskey from the back of the cabinet, moving bottles around so you couldn't tell anything had been taken. I had then run back to the living room proudly showing James and Peter the bottle.

James had laughed gleefully jumping up, Peter had looked slightly unsure but had smiled all the same. I remember Peter saying that we don't have glasses how are we going to drink it, I had just rolled my eyes at that, taking a big gulp of the drink and grimacing as it burned my throat. They had both looked curiously at me wondering what it tasted like I had just grinned at them and handed them the bottle. After that I don't remember much of the night, only that we had a lot of fun, raided the liquor cabinet for more firewhiskey and some how ended up passed out in the kitchen covered in flour. In the morning Remus had woke us up confused as how we had got there when he asked I had just laughed, James groaned and Peter had proceeded to throw up in the kitchen sink.

It's strange thinking of Peter after what he's done, it's like I'm not quite sure how to remember him now. I can never forgive him for what he did to Lily and James, but it's easy to only remember him from Hogwarts, as the Marauder who most people would forget. Because really it's so hard imagining that Peter, Wormtail, the fourth Marauder, betraying James, betraying Lily, Betraying all of us.

I sigh it's so hard thinking about it, so maybe it's better to not think at all, I think and down my glass in one. It doesn't work though my thoughts drift back to Lily and James. How happy they were, how optimistic, they never let the war get them down, as long as they were together they could always smile. They were perfect together I remember all those years James spent chasing her, never giving up even after crazy scheme we came up with failed. I remember asking him once in the middle of 6th year how he could do after, how could he keep trying after every single time she said no. I still remember his answer now after all these years, he said: because I love her, she's perfect, everything I ever want, because I can't give up, I can never give up on her, because if I don't hope who will? Because in the end, in the end to will all be worth it. I remember smiling and laughing at him but really I had been thinking that he better get her because really what he said was beautiful (not that I ever would or will admit it), and I had thought she better be worth it, she better no break his heart.

I remember the look on James' face when he had told us all that him and Lily were finally together, me Remus and Peter were sitting in the common room laughing about our latest prank on the Slytherins, we had enchanted all of their robes to look like lion costumes complete with a lion head for a hat that kept shouting stuff like 'Grythindor rules!', 'Slytherin sucks!', 'I love the Marauders!'. James had literally jumped through the portrait hole dragging a laughing Lily behind him. Guess what guys! He had shouted, Lily said yes, he shouted even louder, she's my girlfriend. Maybe shout a little louder I don't think some people in China heard you, Lily had said sarcastically rolling her eyes. Meanwhile money was being exchanged throughout the common room I made 35 galleons that day. I had always known James would get her. James had narrowed his eyes at this but I had just shrugged and said I did bet on you getting her though Prongs, while I collected 3 galleons off Peter.

We had been quick to include Lily in our life, and by the end of the year we truly counted her as a Marauder.

I'll admit I was and still am jealous of Lily and James, of how in love and happy they were, they had given themselves so completely to each other. I could never do that fall that much in love give, someone else everything, let myself completely go. I suppose you could say my view on the world is cynical and you're probably right in thinking that, but after everything how could it not. I hate to think about what James would say if he saw me now, he would be disappointed and sad but most of all he would be angry at me for letting the darkness of the world change me, make me bitter and resentful. I laughed at the thought of them scolding me, the way Lily would cross her arms and glare at me and James would run this fingers through his hair the way Lily always said she hated.

I pour myself another drink, sighing as I do so. James, I think, James how did I get here, it's seems like only yesterday when we were sitting in our dorm room planning our latest prank. How quickly life changed, one moment were innocent little first years, then your in love, a war is starting, I'm reading a best man speech at your wedding, were fighting dark wizards, you and Lily are telling us your having a kid, I'm suddenly a God farther, little Harry is whizzing around on the broom I brought him, Peter is betraying us and the next moment you and Lily are dead and I'm in jail for the murder of someone who isn't even dead. Its strange how we reached this point isn't it? It's been thirteen years and I still can't get over the fact your dead, you and Lily were my family and now all that's left of you is Harry. He still looks just like you, the first time I saw him I was almost convinced it was you come back. Except for his eyes they were what reminded me he wasn't you; I bet you're glad that Lily's eyes weren't lost when she died. You always did go on about her eyes, didn't you? Harry reminds me so much of you, even the way he talks is like you. He's so good at Quidditch, you would be proud of the way he flies, unlike you he's a seeker but he's amazing at it catches the snitch every game. I miss playing Quidditch but I'm not aloud to leave the house, when his is all over I promise I'll play with Harry; I might even let him win. But it just seems so far James I don't know how I can make it without you and without Lily. "I miss you" I whisper out loud "I miss you both so much."

I get up and take out two more glasses and set them down on the table I fill one right to the top, "for you Prongs the best friend, brother anyone could ever have" I say quietly, I fill the next one half way full, "for you Lily even though you always hated the stuff and companied when we drank it, you were my sister in all but blood" I say whipping tears from my eyes. I sit down and pull my glass towards me, I fill it to the brim, "a lastly for me, the one left alone" I pick up my glass and down it in one.

I hear someone coming down the stairs, I look up and see Harry standing in the doorway, I gesture to a seat next to me and he comes and sits down.

"Drink?" I as k offering him a new empty cup, he just shakes his head, I sigh and poor myself another drink, but I don't drink it I just stare down at it. Truthfully after all my thoughts tonight I'm not sure I can bear to look into those piercing green eyes and see that messy black hair. I risk a glance upwards and find Harry staring at me, "are you okay?" he asks softly.

I just shrug and offer a half smile at him "are _you _okay?" I ask.

Harry hangs his head and closes his eyes, "I don't know Sirius" he whispers "I just want it all to be over."

I put one of hand on his shoulder and with the other I lift his chin so he's looking at me directly. "Don't worry Harry, it will all be over sooner than you think" I promise him.

He closes his eyes and in a horse voice says "but what I don't know is, I don't know if in the end it will all be worth while."

I think back to what James said all those years ago 'in the end to will all be worth it' really Harry is so much like James yet so different at the same time. I expect if Harry hadn't had to go through all that he's been through he would be more like James but then again maybe not, he's letting the world make him harder make him give up hope, James would never have let that happen to himself. Quite possibly I think, all Harry needs to do is fall in love find that Lily, so he can keep up hoping and keep fighting. I hope he finds her, I think, and I hope she has beautiful eyes and red hair. "In the end" I say to Harry looking him directly in the eye "in the end it will _always _be worth it."

I had some pretty dark thought s tonight but looking at Harry I know what I said to him is true, it will be worth it in the end. It always was. And I promise you James and you Lily that I will be there for Harry, I will protect him, I will be as much of a farther as I can for him and if I have to, like you two I will die to protect him. In the end Harry and Remus are all I have left I will not loose them, so I will stick with Harry until the very end, and beyond.


End file.
